Here you are, with a guy who always puts you down or makes sneaky comments that are subtly demeaning. I remember there was a guy who would always make fun of people’s weight, sex, or race. I was in school, studying computers—good old days! We had hostel rooms like every student, and we would gather together to eat or party. You could find all types of personalities there, from the kindest to the cruelest ones. There was one guy who was really sweet; he would teach some of us how to play games, use tricks, and even show us cheat codes.

Then there was another guy—big, muscly, and always in the gym. He was the stereotypical kind of bully you’d see in the movies. He wasn’t the “gentle giant”; maybe he was around his mom, who knows. But when he was with other people, he’d insult anyone, especially those who were smaller than him. He’d call them names like “midget” or “fat,” and so on. Now, he wasn’t speaking English—he was speaking Persian and Hindi—but unfortunately, bullying is universal.

One time, I went to his place. It was some kind of holiday, and they invited us over to eat and party. I noticed he would say something about me. I had extra weight around my body, and he targeted that, saying something insulting in front of everyone: “You’ve got tits like a girl.” I was buried in shame and embarrassment. I might have said something back; I don’t remember exactly. What I do remember was the lack of strategy—I was clueless about how to handle him, how to respond. I felt confused and embarrassed, not knowing how to defend myself or how to turn the situation around.

Years later, with hindsight, I see that I could have done things differently. I could have applied some of the tools I’m sharing with you now. Knowing these tools has helped me defend myself in times when I’ve had to assert my boundaries—whether it was a supervisor trying to put me down or a family member of my sister’s saying something offensive.

Once you say something back, once you defend yourself, they feel the pain—they understand the pain they’re inflicting on others. Learning and practicing these skills not only keeps you safe but also makes bullies aware of their flaws, and one day, they might even thank you for it.

Tool #1: Mindfulness and Taking a Step Back

This is the first, and perhaps one of the most effective ways you can respond to a bad comment or insult. This step is a skill you need to learn, not just in cases of bullying but in daily life. It’s that state of non-reaction to a comment or a bully. This will automatically put the bully into a state of confusion.

Understand that bullies act from a childish part of themselves. They’re like little kids, and the less attention you give, the less effective their bullying is. The more you react, the more you reinforce their insult.

Instead of saying something back, you might just smile, pause, or simply remain silent. My example with the big bully was that I reacted too fast; I gave his words power and felt embarrassed because I put his intelligence and words above my own, instead of seeing that his words reflected his own life.

Do you see what I mean? Maybe you’ve seen people handle it this way. You’ve seen someone smile at an insult, or laugh it off. They’re often respected for it, and seen as mature, because non-reaction shows strength.

Tool #2: Say Something Back

Then there’s the time when silence isn’t enough—when they’re waiting for a response. If someone says, “Why are you so stupid?” or “Why are you so ignorant?” sometimes a comeback is needed. This might be the time to respond with something like, “Why are you so noisy?” This quick comeback can defend your dignity, and it’s important to assert it with a serious tone, as if you mean it.

This tool is valuable, especially if you’ve never used it before. In school, you might have laughed insults off, stayed quiet, or even apologized. But defending yourself isn’t cruel or unkind. It’s okay to get hurt when standing up for yourself, knowing that you don’t accept disrespect and bullying.

So next time you’re in a similar situation, don’t be afraid to get your hands a little dirty—respond back. You’ll recover, I promise. You’ll respect yourself more, and you’ll know that you have the power to defend yourself and your loved ones. This is a basic human right.

The good news is, you probably won’t face this every day. Just remember that it’s your right to respond, to “punch back” verbally when needed.

Tool #3: Let Them Go

This tool comes in handy when someone is regularly in a bad mood—whether it’s a friend, family member, or someone else close to you. Sometimes, it’s necessary to let them go. If someone is constantly aggressive, abusive, or a bully, you can’t change them.

At one point in my life, I had to let go of old friends who constantly degraded my intelligence, appearance, or goals. They’d say damaging things so seriously that I started to doubt myself. Now, I only see them occasionally, but I don’t engage. I stopped going to their parties or meeting them regularly.

It’s your choice to stay around people who are damaging, even if they’re close. Sometimes it’s even a significant other, and it might be the right time to end the relationship. You don’t have to explain yourself. Sometimes just stepping back is enough. It’s an act of courage and kindness—to both of you. Maybe letting go will make them realize, “I’m being an asshole; maybe I should change.”

These tools are for you to try for yourself. You might make mistakes; it’s okay to stay silent sometimes. It’s okay if a comeback doesn’t come out strong. It’s even okay to realize that sometimes, you might be the bully. That’s when real transformation happens.

What if you’re the one being unkind? What if, without realizing it, you’ve hurt someone else? That’s the time to take control of your own inner world, to own your actions and reflect. It’s a journey that might even make you see that you’ve been on the wrong side before.

I was a bully once, and I was also bullied. I had to forgive myself and others. I had to let go of blaming the world and take control of my own life and emotions