Pain is part of being human. We experience it in many forms: the pain of change, the ache of loss, and the discomfort of growth. We feel it physically, emotionally, and spiritually, often labeling these sensations as something negative we need to overcome or escape. But while pain itself is inevitable, suffering is largely a matter of perspective. The choices we make in response to pain shape whether it turns into prolonged suffering or remains a transformative part of life. As the saying goes, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.”

Understanding the Difference Between Pain and Suffering

To start, it’s essential to distinguish between pain and suffering, which are often used interchangeably but differ significantly in their impact on our lives. Pain is a natural response to life’s challenges—it’s the “clean pain” that comes from difficult yet unavoidable experiences. This can include physical pain, emotional hurt from loss, or the discomfort of stepping outside our comfort zones. Pain serves a purpose: it signals that something needs attention, helping us grow, heal, and adapt.

On the other hand, suffering is what happens when we resist, avoid, or try to numb our pain instead of facing it directly. We suffer when we add layers of judgment, resistance, and emotional distress to our pain. Instead of seeing pain as a natural part of life, we view it as something that shouldn’t be happening, and this leads to what many call “dirty pain.” Dirty pain comes from avoiding reality through indulgence or distraction, numbing it with habits that ultimately harm us, or becoming trapped in cycles of self-blame and self-criticism.

How Suffering Manifests Through Our Responses to Pain

Suffering often arises from a few primary reactions to pain:

1. Avoidance and Numbing: We may attempt to ignore our pain or cover it up through numbing behaviors, such as excessive eating, drinking, shopping, or endless screen time. These distractions provide temporary relief, but they don’t address the underlying pain, and the avoidance can add guilt and regret, layering more suffering on top.
2. Resistance and Fighting: Sometimes, we react to pain by pushing back against it. We criticize ourselves for feeling weak, try to power through the pain, or ignore it in hopes it will simply disappear. This resistance not only prolongs the pain but can make it worse, as our minds and bodies become fatigued from trying to block it out.
3. Self-Hatred and Criticism: Pain often triggers a negative inner dialogue, where we criticize ourselves for feeling vulnerable or struggling. We may even come to hate the part of ourselves that feels pain, which creates an internal battle. This self-criticism turns natural pain into prolonged suffering, adding feelings of inadequacy and shame.

Why Pain is Essential—and How It Helps Us Grow

Pain is part of being alive, and it’s a crucial teacher. Just as physical pain alerts us to injury or danger, emotional pain signals areas that need our attention, compassion, and perhaps change. When we experience emotional pain, it is an invitation to listen and learn rather than avoid. Pain can:

• Encourage Growth: Growth is almost always uncomfortable. When we push our limits or enter unfamiliar territory, we feel the tension of transformation. Pain reminds us we’re alive, moving forward, and evolving beyond what’s comfortable. Whether it’s pushing ourselves to improve a skill, taking on a new challenge, or facing unresolved emotional wounds, pain drives personal growth.
• Build Resilience: Each painful experience we endure strengthens our ability to cope with future challenges. By facing pain head-on, we learn to manage difficult emotions and emerge more resilient.
• Deepen Empathy and Compassion: Experiencing pain teaches us to recognize and empathize with the struggles of others. It builds our capacity for compassion, helping us connect with and support others facing similar challenges.

Befriending Pain: How to Suffer Less

The journey to suffer less lies in our willingness to befriend our pain. Instead of avoiding, resisting, or resenting it, we can learn to approach it with openness, curiosity, and self-compassion. Here are some practices that can help reduce suffering by transforming our relationship with pain:

1. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the act of observing our experiences—thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations—without judgment. By noticing pain as it arises and simply allowing it to be, we can separate the initial sensation from the layers of suffering we might otherwise add. Mindfulness doesn’t require us to enjoy or embrace pain, but it allows us to witness it without immediately reacting, resisting, or judging ourselves.

A daily mindfulness practice, even if just for a few minutes, can help us become more aware of our habitual reactions to pain. It teaches us to sit with discomfort and remain present, which can be empowering. Over time, we build the mental strength to navigate pain without adding unnecessary suffering.

2. Engage in Self-Care and Restorative Practices

Self-care isn’t about escaping or numbing pain—it’s about providing the physical, emotional, and spiritual nourishment that helps us cope and heal. By taking care of ourselves, we’re more resilient and less likely to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms when pain arises.

Self-care can include physical practices, like eating nourishing foods, getting enough sleep, exercising, and spending time in nature. It can also include emotional self-care, such as journaling, talking to a friend, or setting boundaries to protect our energy. When we’re well-cared-for, we’re better equipped to handle pain constructively.

3. Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the practice of treating ourselves with kindness when we’re struggling. When we experience pain, we can choose to offer ourselves understanding instead of criticism. This means recognizing that pain and struggle are universal and that we are not alone in our difficulties. We all face pain; it’s part of the human condition.

Self-compassion involves speaking to ourselves in a gentle, reassuring way, as we would a friend. Instead of telling ourselves to “get over it” or “toughen up,” we can remind ourselves that it’s okay to feel hurt or vulnerable. This compassionate approach to our pain diffuses the inner critic and lessens the suffering associated with self-blame and shame.

4. Shift the Narrative Around Pain

Instead of viewing pain as a setback or a sign of weakness, try reframing it as a valuable teacher. Pain can be an invitation to learn more about ourselves—what triggers us, what we value, and where we need to grow. When we view pain as an opportunity for growth, our perspective shifts. The suffering associated with resisting pain lessens, and we become more open to the lessons it brings.

Embracing Pain as Part of the Human Experience

To suffer less, we must embrace the reality that pain is a part of life. By seeing it as a teacher rather than an enemy, we allow ourselves to learn from and grow through our pain. This process isn’t easy and won’t always feel comfortable, but by cultivating a relationship with pain based on acceptance and curiosity, we find a way to move through it with grace.

Instead of becoming consumed by suffering, we develop resilience and compassion. Pain becomes something we can handle rather than something we need to flee from. As we practice these steps, we may even find that pain becomes a guide, deepening our understanding of ourselves and our place in the world.

By choosing to be present with our pain, we cultivate a life that is not ruled by suffering but enriched by the depth and wisdom that pain offers. In befriending our pain, we open ourselves to a life of greater peace, empathy, and self-awareness—qualities that allow us to not only suffer less but to truly thrive.